Fat Crazy Bitch

Last Post for a while

2009-10-06T11:05:00.002-04:00

They came and picked up the storage building today and tonight they are coming to pick up the computer. Things are tight and there is no extra money to spare. It has me worried about what we are going to do to get by. The loss of the computer is like a loss of a lifeline to me. I'm not sure what I'll do to make time go by without it. And who will I talk to? I have no friends offline.

I'm looking for a job. I've applied everywhere I can think of. The problem is I have no experience outside of driving so no one will hire me. All I can ask is that people please pray for my family. Hopefully soon I'll find a job and then maybe I can get another computer.

Till then, God Bless everyone!

It's been awhile

2009-09-12T17:16:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile because I can't get any alone time to post. It's always I've got something to do or my stepdaughter is watching me. There is no privacy in the house. I'm just getting over a cold too. I was sick for two weeks and didn't have the money to go to the doctor.

I'm on 200mgs of Trazodone now so sleeping is no longer a problem. I still have flashes of depression but the Wellbutron is working so it's not so bad. Other than that my Bipolar is mostly under control.

I don't take into count the constant worring and pasing. The doctor doesn't think that has anything to do with the bipolar. Now if I can find a job.

Happiness

2009-08-09T10:52:00.002-04:00

Have you ever looked at your friends pictures and noticed how happy they look? It's like their happiness radiates from inside. Have you ever wished it was you?

Recently I've got in touch with childhood friends, dear heartfelt friends. I look at the women they've become and their happiness and wonder where I went wrong. We grew up together, why didn't I end up happy. Don't get me wrong I love my husband but I don't think I know how to be happy. I've been Manic and Depressed for far to long.

Many people think I'm faking the Bipolar but I wish they could step inside me for one day and feel what my mind is putting me through. It's not like I enjoy this. I don't enjoy the medication or the side effects. I don't enjoy being pissed one second and crying the next. I just want it to all stop. I want to be normal for once in my life. I want to see a picture and see happiness radiating from inside me.

Buzzing

2009-08-03T18:00:00.001-04:00

I'm so agitated it's hard to type and my body is buzzing. It's like every nerve wants to move but I'm to tired to think.

Today was a crappy day. I went to pick up my husband's paycheck to pay bills. Instead they are waiting till tomorrow to give them out. GREAT! I drove an hour to get there, plus checks had already been written. My husband had to Western Union me money to pay the car payment that was past due. It was either that or lose the car.

To agitated, I can't write anymore.

The fear is overwhelling

2009-07-15T23:48:00.002-04:00

My mother asks why am I afraid, I don't know. She thinks everyone has the same fears, but these fears are not normal or reasonable. I can't explain why I have them or why they won't go away. I no longer can confront people, I afraid of talking to strangers, I afraid of my car, of forgetting, of being alone, of not paying bills. I can't handle this. I can't sleep.

I just want it all to stop and I won't my mother to go home! She's making it worse by messing up my schedule. If I can't follow my schedule I can't function. I tell her I have things to do and it doesn't seems to matter. She KNOWS I can't fit things into Monday, it's to full of things already. Last Monday she screwed it all up, the week before the same thing and now she tells me I'm to drive 2 hours to take her to the doctor next MONDAY! AAAAauuuugggghhhhh...... I'm already afraid of driving and now I've got to take my delapitated car to Atlanta! Oh lets not forget the quilt trip that followed. Well I'm not buying it. She knew. She can call the doctor and change it.

I'm tired, overwhelmed, depressed, afraid, and annoyed at the world. I can't take much more. Not to mention my husband's many many problems that he's loading onto me too. I've got to stop and I can't. I feel suicidal and I beleave I need to hospitalized but I can't mention that to anyone right now. I no longer know what to do. I can't control my own life anymore. I feel like cutting so bad!

Alot going on today

2009-07-13T07:53:00.002-04:00

I've come to realize what a destresser it is to post my blog. I know no one is reading it and I'm ok with that. I realize that alot of times it sounds like I faking, complaining or whining to much. I'm going to do that again today. But before I do one bright spot to my day!

My stepdaughter Brandy came home from her biomom's yesterday. My husband had to drive 6 hours one way to get her. Her BM (biomom) said that she couldn't meet him because her car was broke but had no problem driving her across the state of North Carolina to her grandfather's, to make it harder to pick her up. Anyway she's home and I'm glad.

She's not happy about my mom staying here or her sleeping in my room, she's not happy that my mom constantly bother's us to do stupid things for her and she wants her to go home. I love my mom but I want her to go home too.

Today I've got to drive my mom to a doctor 2 hours from here. It's a doctor that my sister set up for her. My sister doesn't use her brain half the time! Mom doesn't want to ride at all with her hurt foot so I'm sure she won't be happy. Gotta go, husband's awake

Tired

2009-07-07T21:18:00.002-04:00

On July the 3rd my mom fell down a flight of stairs. She bruised her shoulder and face and broke her foot. Her house sits above her garage (14 steps) so she's came to stay with me. Mind you mom lives 108 miles from here.

Yesterday I went to pack up her perishables and two sheets of item that she "had to" have. Then I was going to pick her up from the hospital and come home. Well I got her stuff in the car and headed for the hospital, mind you, her cold food was in a cooler in the car. They left us sitting waiting on the physical therapist until 4 pm then told us we would have to wait till tomorrow. My mother threw a fit. She chewed out everyone at the hospital. I left her there and went back to her house and put the cold food away. I spent the night there on the sofa.

So mean while, mom's medication was suppose to arrive by mail today at mom's house, and she wanted me to wait around for it. Fine! 11am... 1pm.. 3pm.. 4:30pm it shows up. Another day wasted on waiting. So then I go get mom to head home. Remember 2 hour drive and by now it's rush hour... Happy, happy, joy, joy, I didn't get to take my medication last night and I've got a splitting headache because of it.

Then Mom decides we are going out of our way to go by my sister's house, the same sister that didn't show up at the hospital, so mom can PEE! Another hour waisted. Then Mom wants to stop and eat at a nice restaurant, I remind her that my hair is nasty, (I didn't have a hair brush with me the night before) her foot is broke, and I'm wearing the clothes from the day before. So in I go and order the food for us to eat in the car.

We finally get home at 7:45pm. Then I've got to clean up her dogs pee from all over the house, pick up the trash that my stepdaughter's cat got in, Unload 500lbs of crap from the car, get mom in the house and settled, then at 9:42 I FINALLY got to sit down to write this. I'm beat and I may throw my stepdaughter's animals out the window if she's not home from her mother's house by Friday!

I asked for this

2009-07-01T23:42:00.002-04:00

It started off that I've always wanted a long haired Chihuahua. Well a few weeks ago I asked a lady for one that she was giving away. I'm sorry to say it didn't work out, but this week she called me and asked if I wanted a full blooded Shih Zu puppy that is 6 months old. Sure! I'm mean I'm manic right? What's another animal in this zoo?

I'm now the proud owner of the sweetest insecure puppy in the word. I love him to death. I've named him Jack and he's worse than a cat. Always under my feet. On day someones going to trip over him I'm sure. I also have my Chihuahua, Sara, still too so that means Jacks got to be fixed.

Along with my stepdaughter's animals there are now 2 dogs, 2 cats, 5 hermit crabs, and 2 turtles. I wish she would re home the turtles and one of the 2 cats, because the turtles are too much work and one of the cats is CRAZY! Climbing the walls and curtains, getting in and scattering trash everywhere, getting in my tote bag and eating my yarn, getting on tables, trying to steal food, attacking people. Crazy Ass Cat I'm telling you! I think it's daddy was it's uncle. She really doesn't need all these animals. Plus we are sharing the new dog.

Besides the caring for all the animals while she's away, I've been having a hard time personally. I'm tired ALL the time. All I want to do is sleep. I also took myself off the bloodpressure medication because I was getting dizzy and weak everytime I stood for more than two minutes. That's helped some. And I'm agitated off and on all day, not at anyone thing, at everything. I can't even stand my own skin. I feel like cutting even though I won't. Something anything to make this go away. I see the mental health nurse tomorrow, maybe she can help.

Doctor Call Back

2009-06-25T23:18:00.002-04:00

It's days like today I hate doctors. I found out today my Triglycerides are high, so is my blood pressure, sugar, and cholesterol. My A1C was 8.1 which is a drop from 8.2, well I'm proud of it anyway. The doctor has decided to put me on Metformin 500mg andGlipizide 5mg for diabetes, and Lisinop/HCTZ 20-25mg & Lovastatin 20mg for the high blood pressure and cholesterol. I feel like a medication machine.

I personally hate medication and now people say my life depends on it now, UGH! I also take Abilify 15mg, Trazodone 100mg (because I can't sleep), Zantac 150mg, Iron 325mg, and my daily Vitamin that everyone (mental health, support group, and regular doctor) say I "need" to take. Personally I feel like a hypochondriac.

Do I really need all these medications? Why is it I eat better and less food than anyone in my family but it's me with all the medications, the diabetes, the high blood pressure, the rotten teeth. Life's not fair. It's like giving me drugs to tell me it's ok to eat bad because this will cure it all.

Sorry I'm feeling a little manic today.

Diabetes

2009-06-23T18:59:00.002-04:00

The other night I got a scare. My blood sugar was 362. It's never been that high before. I've been off medication since January because of my loss of insurance. Then in May I started Abilify for my Bipolar and it made my sugar go up.

Today I went to the doctor. It cost me $150 for the blood test. Money I didn't have, but that's ok this needed to be done. I need to change things in my life. Today I joined Ediets.com because of their diabetic weightloss program. No more Mountain Dews unless they're diet.

This is a BIG change for me. I plan on filing for disability, loss weight and get my sugar under control, and find a way to control my bipolar.

The power of Music to left Depression

2009-06-21T16:13:00.002-04:00

I found this article and find it to be true. When I'm depressed I tend to go toward depressing music, but once I chose happier music, I find it to left my spirits some. If only for a little while.

Using Music to Lift Depression’s Veil
By Tara Parker-Pope
An uplifting result of music therapy. (Alan Zale for The New York Times)
Many people find that music lifts their spirits. Now new research shows that music therapy — either listening to or creating music with a specially trained therapist — can be a useful treatment for depression.
The finding that music therapy offers a real clinical benefit to depression sufferers comes from a review by the Cochrane Collaboration, a not-for-profit group that reviews health care issues. Although there aren’t many credible studies of music therapy for depression, the reviewers found five randomized trials that studied the effects of music therapy. Some studies looked at the effects of providing music therapy to patients who were receiving drug treatment for depression. Others compared music therapy to traditional talk therapy. In four out of five of the trials, music therapy worked better at easing depression symptoms than therapies that did not employ music, the researchers found.
“The current studies indicate that music therapy may be able to improve mood and has low drop-out rates,” said lead author Anna Maratos, an arts therapist for the National Health Service in London. “While the evidence came from a few small studies, it suggests that this is an area that is well worth further investigation….We need to find out which forms have greatest effect.”
Ms. Maratos notes that music therapy might be particularly useful for adolescents who may reject a traditional form of counseling. Some older patients also may not be comfortable talking about their feelings, “but do tend to express themselves through song,” she said.
“I think we can be reasonably confident that music therapy has an effect,” Ms. Maratos said. “Music therapy is often used where more conventional therapies are not as likely to be as accepted or tolerated.”
There are two main types of music therapy. Sometimes, a therapist will listen to music with a patient and talk about the feelings or memories that it evokes. In another form, the therapist is a skilled musician and will improvise music with the patient. If the patient doesn’t play an instrument, he or she might be given a simple percussion instrument and the therapist will play along.
Other studies have shown a benefit from music therapy in the treatment for autism, dementia, learning disabilities, strokes and pain management during labor and birth. The problem, Ms. Maratos notes, is that there isn’t very much high-quality research. “It doesn’t easily attract serious research funding,” she said. “It’s difficult to do high-quality, large-scale trials.”

Two weeks alone

2009-06-21T12:07:00.002-04:00

Unti; they gone you don't realize just how much of your time is spent on your kids, or in my case stepkids. I miss Brandy already. I fear her mother talking her into moving back in. She's changed so much in the past year. She's doing so much better. I would hate for her to go back to her mother's and throw away all the things she's improved on in the past year.

Good new, okay news and GREAT news!

2009-06-20T14:33:00.002-04:00

Okay news first:

I'm moving to North Carolina. There's nothing to hold me here. I have no job and it doesn't look like I'll be getting a job anytime soon. More and more it looks like I'm headed to disability. The thing is is that Jerry and Brandy are from North Carolina and they're missing home. I've always gotten along with my inlaws so I don't mind but I will miss Georgia until the day I die.

Good News:

I've got the house to myself for two weeks!!! Jerry will be at work (truck Driver) and Brandy is visiting my mother-in-law this week and her bio-mother the next week. We'll pick her up on the fourth of July.

Great News:

I got a letter from Brystol-Myers today. They are going to cover my Abilify! YES! $500 I didn't have! I didn't know what I was going to do about my medication. I run out of pills on Monday.

My stepdaughters

2009-06-17T09:06:00.002-04:00

I recieved an email stating :

That my stepchildren were forced on my due to loving my husband: False I knew he had kids when I chose to marry him
I worry to much: True
I don't have "true love" for my skids: False I love them like they were my own. A fact that the youngest one hates

And much more.

I need to clear this up. Yes at first I liked my stepkids and they hated me. Their mother would call me a whore and much worse things, then two little girls (5 & 7 at the time) would call me these things to my face. She wouldn't allow the kids to see their father. She poisoned them to both of us. She never made them mind and dumped them on everyone else so she could lie and say she didn't get child support so they would pay for them. Meanwhile she blew the childsupport on trips to beach, the casino, and her multiple affairs. Then she kicked the girls out when no one else would watch the girls anylonger.

Then they moved in with us. I had to have the oldest put on probation after she attacked me. After a year she's now a normal acting child, while her sister was taking knives to school, flunking classes, skipping classes, sneaking out of the house, kissing her sister's boyfriend, and much much more. That's when I asked her father to send her back to her mother's house to live.

But never once in their life have I not loved them, I may not have liked them all the time, but I've ALWAYS loved them.

Side Effects

2009-06-16T12:31:00.002-04:00

The side effects of Abilify at 5mg wasn't to bad. Don't get me wrong, I didn't like them but I could handle them. The two worst side effects were: not being able to fall asleep, and muscle trimmers. Now I'm on 15 mgs of Abilify and the side effects are much worse! I have no energy, I have to fight myself to get anything done, I'm tired all the time, Blurry vision, I can't think straight or type well, I still have a hard time falling asleep and staying alseep, and the muscle trimmers.

Oh and my sugar levels are through the roof! I'm also a diabetic. I don't think to tell people that because due ti no insurance I'm not doing anything for my diabetes. I know I should and I will do something about it. Just as soon as I have the money. To bad we never have the money.

About the abilify though. I've got to talk to the doctor about it. I know he says not to go back to work now, but if these side affects are forever I don't foresee ever being able to work again.

This is confussing

2009-06-15T18:16:00.001-04:00

I want to fix my blog and don't know how. I want to add a link to my twitter acount and want to add this picture. http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c169/SkyDreamer777/practika_large.jpg
Problem is I don't know how.

Ugh!

2009-06-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

I feel sorry for my stepdaughter. She's used and abused my manic spending for weeks. She's ended up with two turtles, 6 hermit crabs, and two kittens. Jerry, her dad, has chewed her a new one for it too. Now the reality of caring and paying her father back for all the animals has set in and now she doesn't want them, too bad!

But this is not why I feel sorry for her. Right now I'm ver y depressed, to the point of wanting to cut. for weeks I've been unable to sleep, now it's all I want to do. I have to take naps everyday, I can't help it. Well everyday she choses that time to bug me and I go off on her.

She also keeps trying to pay the "buy me" game and now the manic is on hold it's not working. She's bored, annoyed, and pissed I'm not spending money and all I want is to be left alone. I really wish she would go visit her mother for a week or two while I'm going threw this downward spiral.

If this doesn't bring me out of this funk...

2009-06-13T17:09:00.002-04:00

Monday is always busy, too busy the "head Shrink," as I call him, says. It's the day I pay bills, pick up my husband's check, "suppose" to go to group therapy, go to the bank, grocery shop, etc..

Well this week my neice is coming over to stay. My neice is very high maintance. Hense the reason my sister needs a break. The doctor says it will make things worse. I think it will pull me out of this depression, because stress usually makes me manic. That's ok I need the energy to keep up with Brandy and my neice.

Rough Night

2009-06-13T00:03:00.000-04:00

I planned a romantic night. My husband is a truck driver and I planned his homecoming night. But unfortunately depression has set in. I don't have a romantic idea in my body. The thought of sex means nothing right now.

Of course this is the same time that my husband is in the mood. He gave me a full guilt trip. I ended up crying and chewing him out for over an hour. I can't stand this lack of interest, these thoughts of suicide, the endless crying, and not having the energy to think.

My husband deserves better and tonight I gave him permission to have an affair. Thank God he didn't listen to my rambling during my crying jag. Why does the thought of sex leave me not caring when it was everything to me last week? Why is my brain and body at war all the time? Where is my miracle drug?

Blogs form bipolarblues.com

2009-06-11T23:06:00.000-04:00

I've desided to merge my blogs to this one location. Here are my old blogs from Bipolar Blues. If your bipolar this is a great website to meet other bipolars and ask questions. I also have blogs on a stepparent website but you won't see those here due to the girl's privacy.

MyBlog

Wednesday, 10 June 2009 I saw the doctor today
The doctor upped my medication to 15mgs. I was hoping for a better medication without twitches as side effects. Oh well as long as it works.
I filled out the PAP paperwork too. I hope that they help me with the medication. I can't afford $500.00 a month, and that's with a discount.

Monday, 08 June 2009 Finishing from earlier
She broke it alright. Thank God there was another one on Craigslist for $10. My husband is pissed at howmuch all of this is costing us. All I can tell him is to shut up or pay the bills himself. I personally think she'll bore of all these animals in a few weeks anyway.
I called the mental health center today for more medication because I'm going to run out before my appointment on Wednesday. I hate talking to the nurses. They never call you back. The day of my allergic reaction it took her hours to return my call.

Monday, 08 June 2009 He's going to yell ay me
He's going to yell at me, my psychiatrist that is. After I brought home 4 kittens he said that's to much on you. After I allowed my oldest stepdaughter to get 6 Hermitcrabs, he said that's to much on you. And now I've allowed her to bring home 2 turtles. I've spent the whole day running around getting things for the Turtles. It's amazing how much they need! Tomorrow I've got to go get a water dock and filtration system for the. My husband is pissed. He says no more.
I know my step daughter is using my manic episodes.
OH GREAT!!! She just walked in and slammed down the fish tank! Now I've got to get one of them too. I've got to go pick up glass. I'll finish this later. Did I mention she's 13 years old.

Sunday, 07 June 2009 Just to keep me busy
I have discovered that when my brains going to fast and my foot won't stop tapping, that I need to crochet.
I'm currently working on 5 different projects at the same time. I can't seem to stay with any one thing to long to I'm working on many things all at once.
I'm currently crocheting a blanket for my mother, my stepdaughter, my husband, and my oldest nephew. I've already finished one for my youngest nephew and neice. I've also finished crocheting a purse for my oldest sister and plan to make one for my other sister and stepdaughter too.
My other projects include, knitting a scarf for my mother-in-law, making a quilt for my mother, and knitting a scarf for my stepdaughter.
Since my youngest stepdaughter moved back to her mother's and threw out the things I've made her before, I'm not making her anything.
I've just have to have something to do with my hands. Something that I can do with no sleep and doesn't require thinking or a time schedule. My mother says to turn it into a business but I can't. Somedays I can't stand the sight of any of it and want to stay in bed all day, other days I can't quit pacing the floor to do any projects.

Friday, 05 June 2009 BAD DAY!!!
I feel like such a loser today. Overdraft in the bank, denide medicaid and unemployment today and thoughts of killing myself rushing through my brain. Yeah me.... Whatever...
My husband is being understanding from 900 miles away. He's in Maryland today. "Good news" he told me, it seems he'll be making extra money now. $100 dollars more a month. He says that can be used for my medication. I told him, "GREAT honey now I can afford my medication twice a year! What to months do you want me to be nice?"
I then explained that the Abilify is over $400 a month now and if they increase it, and I think they will, it will probably be over $1200 a month. All he could say is , "Holey Shit" and this man never curses.
Plus the doctor says I can't go back to work yet. He won't even disable me either. More money is going out than is coming in! He's talking about different sleeping pills and antidepressants on top of the Abilify. More and more money...
I don't see the doctor again until Wednesday. I run out of medication on Monday. Good news though! I also see a lady at the mental health centeron Wednesday morning. She's going to help me with the PPA applications.

First support group today.
Jun 4, 2009
I went to my first support group today. The leader says that the doctor needs to change my medication. There were only 4 people including me. The youngest, also me, the rest were in their mid 50s and older. It felt a little weird.
They suggested another support group for me. It's called Nami, national alliance of mental illness. They said it's a larger group with people closer to my age, but the doctor wants me to continue at this current group too.
We didn't talk about much. Of course my mind chose not to work with my mouth and when asked what problems I'm currently suffering from, I have many but could only think of few.

One stress maker gone
May 31, 2009
My youngest stepdaughter called from her mother's house this morning. She's spreading lies and hate. But lets face it she is her mother's mini me.
After talking to her for 5 minutes I was pn my way to yet another manic episode and my husbands bloodpressure was up. He and I talked and agree that being with her mother is the best thing that could have happened to our oldest stepdaughter, my husband and my self. We realize that the three of us have alot less stress now and she's where she needs to be.
Don't get me wrong we love her but I do not like her at all. No kid should ever lie cheat or steal like she does. I'm guessing that at her mother's tuterage she'll be pregnant before she's 14 or on birth control. Her mother is the queen of all cheaters and whores.

She's gone and I still feel like crap
May 30, 2009
My youngest stepdaughter is back living with her Mom. This should make me happy. She is always setting off manic episodes. She's a very hateful girl. I should feel better about her going but it feels like a failure on my part.
Tonight's another sleepless night, At first I stayed up because my oldest Stepdaughter had a sleepover quest. I wanted to make sure they stayed out of trouble. Then I just couldn't go to sleep.
I'm manic and depressed. Suicide thoughts, can't sit still, tired yet can't sleep, can't concentrate... and so on. You know the same old, same old.
I would like to find the inner piece to sleep for 8 hours straight, to wake up hungry and not feel starved at lunch time. I would love to feel normal.

I need a VACATION!
May 24, 2009
There's a boy that lives across the street. For the past three months he's been, not so inisently flirting with my oldest stepdaughter. Well yesterday he came over and spent the whole day hanging out at our house. What a pervert. I sayed around and made sure nothing happened.
Well while I was in the bathroom, he decided to go tell my youngest stepdaughter goodbye, since she's moving. This little jerk and her started kissing. Her sister kissed the guy she knew my oldest stepdaughter liked. I know she's my youngest stepduaghter, but what a ass...
Well the youngest stepdaughter was already on a long list of restriction like, no friends, early bedtime, etc. After the girl had went to bed I took my nightly medication coctail. The sleeping pill started kicking in and off to bed I went.
No sooner I had gotten into bed and I was awake. Something wasn't right. I checked doors, windows, everything looked fine. Well I still felt like something was up so I got onto the computer. I stayed up until 2am.
This morning the first thing I hear is from my oldest stepdaughter. She said the youngest stepdaughter had been bragging that morning about hanging out the window last night kissing the boy, talking, and what not. All this after bedtime.
I wore my youngest stepdaughter's butt out. The rules she broke were many... up after bedtime, talking with friends while on restriction, letting boys come to her window (her dads rule), and so on.
To be honest I'm not sure she's even a virgin anymore. This afternoon I came home to the back door unlock (this door is NEVER used and was locked last knight) and openned, plus the tv was on. I think she's been sneeking that boy in here under her sister's nose and decided now is the time to tell since she's moving back to her mom's. To top it off she's only 12!!!
Needless to say today has been a VERY manic day!!! The good thing is it pumped up my energy

Youngest stepdaughter moving out
May 23, 2009
I've had nothing but nonstop problems from stepdaughter since January. She not helping my episodes at all. Everyday she strives to set me off. I think she enjoys seeing me blow up. I can't take it anymore. Somedays I fear acually going to hurt her.
She lies, refuses to do what you tell her, is rude and disrespectful to everyone (including her sister), uses poor manners just to piss you off, blames it all on forgeting, tells lies to try to have her father and I arrested (it's never worked), and wants to dress like a slut. All this and she's only 12.
I'm hoping this will settle problems around the house. I worry about everyone will blame this one me. I've tried everything with her. I do love her but I can't take it anymore and my husband backs me up. Even my mother-in-law is backing me but I can't help it, I feel guilty.

yipee here comes the down slide
May 20, 2009
I still manic but now I keep crying for who know what reason. Now my youngest stepdaughter will do things to try to set me off and my oldest stepdaughter then trys to get me to calm down. I tell them not to push their luck all the time. That it's like a freight train, once you set me off and I moving then you better stay out of the way because I can't slow down.
I try not to let my step daughters upset me but they want to. They push and push and push. I warn them when it's not a good day and my oldest stepdaughter is beginning to learn but my youngest stepdaughter thinks she's God. She thinks rule were ment for the "little people" and that she's the queen above them all. I know all kids do this but not to the point that LeeAnn does. She has been in therapy for it but it only made her self importance worse. I really wish her father would send her back to live with her mother, but then her sister would go too. Her sister needs to be with us, she's blossoming into a great person now that she's away from her mother.
Oh about the Abilify... I wouldn't call them ticks but I'm having muscle spasms. It's not really bothering me because I've always had alot of muscle spasms, now their just more often. Oh and I'm hungry! I don't want to be hungry. I only like eating twice a day, but I guess this is a good thing in a way since I'm diabetic, now I'm eating 3 meals a day.
I was worried about it raising my blood sugars but so far it's not too bad.

Now I'm on Abilify
May 18, 2009
So I went back to the doctor today and DUGH he told me not to take anymore Depakote. I don't think you need a doctor's degree to know that, oh smart one.
He's switched me to Abilify. I told him I was worried about ticks and he was worried about allergic reactions, so he only put me on 10mgs. He says if everythings ok in two weeks he's going to up the dose.
He also chewed me out a little. He says that I have to much on my plate. It all started because he noticed I was manic and asked me if I knew why and how did I feel this morning. This morning I was fine but that was before I got to kids off to school, 4 kitten (with no mother) fed, two dogs walked and taken care of, drove 40 miles to pick up my husbands pay check, put it in the back, ran in and out of Walmart as fast as I could (for a Walmart) to get kitten formula, got gas, raised to the doctors office and got there within 2 minutes of my appointment. Crazy schedules set me off. I can't seem to handle being rushed. That's why I plan EVERYTHING down to the last second and go crazy if I'm not at least 20 minutes early. I'm even so bad I calculate the time 4 of 5 times and check the clock ever few minutes.
He told me to not schedule more than 4 things in one day and to schedule them at least an hour apart. YEAH RIGHT! This man could never make it as a mom. I might be a stepmom but I'm more like a single parent since my husband's a truck driver.
Then he asked if anything else was getting to me and I told him yes, that I was upset about being able to ever go back to commercial driving and explained the CDL rules to him and that I needed a job for the benefits to pay for the medication. He told me it didn't matter that I can't go back to work anyway. That it could take weeks or years to get my medicine dose correct and that he hoped that someday I could, but that we would cross that bridge when it came to it and the there was always disability if it comes to that..... great more stress.

Anyone want my stepkids?
May 16, 2009
Today's one of those days. I woke up with a migraine and no energy at all. Of course this is the time that all kids must drive you crazy. They can sense when you don't feel good. They will try to do things they know you won't allow, try to piss you off with confrontations of all rules and not leave you alone for a second. If you try to hide they will fond you. Your bedroom door could be made strong enough to keep out their shreal little voices. And to stop this all you have to do is give in. Let them break the rules and they'll leave you alone in please.
But I refuse to backdown! I will not give in! So what happens..... manic episode. sigh.... No I feel quilty, still have the migraine and they've been chased outside till dinner time, not daring to come back in the house.

I'm back to normal, but what's normal?
May 15, 2009
My allergic reation is over. It was nice to wake up to a normal throat. It still feels a little puffy but nothing to bad. It's good too because there is so much I need to get done today.
First I need to go by Social Services and apply for Medicade. I don't have a job or insurance. I'm not even sure if I could hold down a job right now. Everthing has me going from 0 to Bitch in 2.5 seconds, plus I'm tired all the time.
Then I need to go to the Unemployment Services and apply for unemployment. Since I've lost my career aspects due to Bipolar I'm going to see if I qualify for retraining also. CDL laws state that if I can go one year without manic or depressive episode I can get my CDL medical card. Lets face it that's not likely to happen. Plus I can't take my meds and drive either.
It's not against the law to drive a CDL vihicle if you are Bipolar but you can not have a medical card if you're having manic or depressive episodes, you can't take sleeping pills, and you can't take Lithium or a long list of other drugs. Isn't that an oxymoron?
Then at the insistance of my family I'm going by the Social Security Office to get the paperwork needed for disability. My family thinks if my new meds don't improve things I may need to file disability.
UGH! And this isn't a good day either...

Allerigec Reaction
May 14, 2009
I took my Depakote last night along with half a sleeping pill. All night I kept waking up filling like something was stuck in my throat. Then this morning I felt like my throat was swollen. At first I thought I was being paranoid so I looked in the mirror and yes it was swollen.
I called the mental health center and they told me to call 911. Nope! Not happening I don't have insurance. So I took Benadryl and grabbed an Epi Pen and put it on the endtable incase I need it. I've been taking Benadryl all day. Darned 24 hour time release crap! Ugh! This probably won't stop until 9pm tonight.
I'm am very thankful that I only took one of the three pills the doctor perscribed me though. If I had taken all three my throat may have closed completely in my sleep last night.

Got my meds
May 13, 2009
I went back to the psychiatrist this afternoon. I was told it's type 2 bipolar, with it mixing highs and lows at the same time. He perscribe me 1500mgs of Depakote a day and sleeping pills.
I'm looking forward to not feeling crazy, but I'm nervous about side affects. The big problem with this drug is I don't have insurance and I do have diabetes which limits what he's willing to give me. This is going to cost a fortune and I have no job!

So much for being still
May 13, 2009
For the past few month sleep has not been my friend. If I can acually go to sleep then it's a small merical to acually stay asleep. So I decided to let the stepkids go off to school on their own this morning and sleep in. It shouldn't have been a problem since their 12 and 13, but of course if your asleep then the kid radar comes on. They have ask you every stupid question ever that ever popped in their head. Oh and there is no way they can wait till another time!
So off they go to school and I'm laying very still. Praying to go back to sleep. Praying my mind not to race. And then it happens... The musle just above my knee starts jumping. UGH! I finally gave up and just got up.
My knee finally stopped about the time I started compulsively tapping my foot. I look forward to going to the doctor today. Let him put me on medication. Anything to stop my mind from racing, to let me sleep through a night for once, to stop my body from feeling the need to move at all times.
I'm so tired of not being able to be still. I'm tired of visualizing a knife going into my throat, blood pouring down my skin, then the slice across. I'm tired of thoughs all thru the day of death. Thoughts like "I wanna die, I'm going to kill myself" and "kill me, kill me, kill me". I think these things all the time. I don't feel suicidal right now. I've been there plenty of times before. I've slit my wrist in the past, taken an overdose of sleeping pills, overdosed on white crosses (trying to give myself a heart attack), held a gun to my head, cut myself just to feel the pain.
I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of feeling crazy, I just tired.

First Blog
May 12, 2009
I was diagnosed Bipolar yesterday. At first it seemed like a relief to have a name to go with a life full of problems but then I started thinking about it and got scared. I spent alot of time crying and worrying. Then it dawned on me that this has killed my career! I have a CDL (commercial driver's license) and once I'm on medication I'll never be able to drive a CDL vehical. Then it also dawned on me that I'll probably never work with kids again either.
I haven't started medication. I was only diagnosed yesterday, tomorrow I have to go back to the mental health center and see another doctor about medications. My big worry is lithium. I was in rehab as a teen (after cutting my wrist) and my roommate was on lithium. I remember being woken up every morning a 5am for her daily blood test. I was also told that they will have me starting group therapy on Thursday. I've never like group therapy. It's always seemed like a big petty party.
The reason I sought out a doctor this time was because since April 1 I haven't been able to sit still, my mind keeps racing, thoughts of death flashes throught my mind all the time, I thought about killing someone else, anxiety, I wake up every morning with a sore jaw from grinding or locking my jaw all night, I can't go to sleep and when I do I can't stay sleep, my husband says I toss and turn all night, then I yawn all day, I can't get motivated to do anything in the morning, everything is getting on my nerves, I can't think, and I feel like I'm losing my mind and going crazy.
I've been on and off antidepressants since I was 17 years old, that's 17 years. All this time I've been told it was a chemical imbalance and I was depressed. They would say to take the meds, that it will go away. Try to relax, don't over stress yourself. Never once did I even think I was Bipolar. I thought bipolar people are all like the ones I've know in the past... nice person on second, evil the next.
And it's amazing talking to my internet friends about this. Some of them complain all the time about their husband's crazy bipolar exwife and it's not funny anymore. It's like their calling me crazy.
And oh my God I wish these headaches would go away! Darned Celexa!

An Unquiet Mind

2009-06-11T22:42:00.000-04:00

I've been searching the libraries for any information on Bipolar. Most of what I've read tells me the same crap over and over. It's like information for a book report. Nothing I want to read, nothing I can really learn from.

Yesterday I found "An Unquiet Mind", if you a bipolar and haven't read it, you need to. Since being diagnosed I've been looking back at my life and picking sports were I now realize I was being Manic. It's like this woman looked at my life and wrote a book, changing a few things to make it sound like it's someone else's life.

I'm not saying our lives are identical, but the bipolar story that leads each of us to were we are now is very much alike. In the book she wasn't beaten, molested, or emotionally abused like me, but she did suffer the same highs, lows and denials.

I haven't finished the book yet but I have read 70% of it. which with my concentration lately, is alot. If you haven't read it yet, READ IT! It's a must read for bipolar women at least if not men also.

I don't know which I dislike the most

2009-06-09T13:01:00.000-04:00

I never wanted to be a stepmother, a housewife, or Bipolar. I feel in love with my husband, not the fact that he had children. I had never met them before marrying my husband but I do love them both.

Growing up I had 6 stepmothers and many other women running in and out of my life. I first I feel in love with them all. Then I learned to build walls. Walls that to this day aren't completely down for anyone. Don't get me wrong, my mother wasn't much better. I've also had two stepfathers. I learned young not to depend on anyone or anything. Maybe me being so closed off is why no one noticed that I was bipolar.

I feared the girls hating me, but no one hated me. I was always the kind of person people loved and left. I had grand dreams of the things the girls and I would do when they came to visit. That lasted three visits until their mother thought them to hate. I'll never forget LeeAnn, 6 years old, calling me a whore and then asking me what one was. Out of the mouths of babes or so they say.

I never wanted to be bipolar. I knew I had been depressed for years, for as longs as I can remember actually, but I never thought I would be Bipolar. I never thought people would call me crazy.

Now when I look back I see things differently. I can see the problems I had. I remember the shopping sprees for other people, never myself. I remember two different one night stands in one month (totally not like me). I remember the anger, hate, annoyance bubbling inside me. I can look back and see it all.

Most of all I never thought I would be a housewife, totally dependent on another person. I struggle with thoughts of my husband leaving me and me not being able to work. How would I pay the bills. This is not to say I can't go back to work in the future but I can't go back now the doctor says. Not until my meds or correct.

Until then I worry about bills, food, medication costs, the fact we don't have insurance, no job, and if the doctor is going to disable me at 34 years old.

Everyone has a first Blog

2009-06-08T23:01:00.001-04:00

Everyone has a first blog so please bear with me with mine. Ok now for the background information. My name is Ann and I live in Georgia with my husband Jerry, stepdaughter Brand, Chihuahua Sara, 6 hermit crabs, two cats: Tater and Lucy, and two turtles. I personally only claim the dog, all others can claim sonething else or themselves.

As my psychiatrist tells me, I tend to over do it alot. We don't need all those animals and it's getting on my nerves and pissing off Jerry. I can't help it. My Bipolar makes me want to spend money and my stepdaughter knows this and plays around my bad days to get what she wants.

I have another stepdaughter too, but she lives with her mother, as of last week. She was completely out of control and I could no longer handle her. She's her mother's problem now. I'm sure they get along great since they're just alike.

I met my husband when I was a solo OTR truck driver. We talked on the phone for a month, drove trucks together for two weeks and then got married in Vegas. I did not know what I was doing!! NEVER marry a man until you've met his kids and family. Before I knew what happened I was living in North Carolina and hating it.

After three years we moved back to Georgia and here we plan to stay. I grew up here. There's no place better. Against all odd Jerry and I have now been married for 6 years. People placed bets on how long it would last and we proved them wrong. It hasn't been a bed of Roses and he has hit me in the past but it's gotten better. I think we can last another 50 years.

I don't plan on talking about the stepkids to much for their privacy. I might mention some but not to much. That's what SKIDS (website) is for. Mostly I plan on talking about me, my life, and my struggle with Bipolar.

I was diagnosed Bipolar last month. This was a surprise, I would have never even thought it until they told me. Now that I know I do see almost ALL the symtoms in my. Things like not sleeping, the drive to spend money, sexual thoughts, thoughts and visions of suiside, racing thoughts, the need to move, not being able to concentrate, the feeling that I'm going crazy.

I was diagnosed as depressed for years so it shouldn't have been the surprise that it was. I hate knowing. Knowing took away my career as a driver. I drove school buses, charter buses, transit buses, and tractor trailer. CDL rules state that I can be Bipolar and drive a CDL vehicle but I can't have had any episodes for one year. I also can't be on the medication I'm taking and drive. What a pain in the butt.