Last Post for a while

They came and picked up the storage building today and tonight they are coming to pick up the computer. Things are tight and there is no extra money to spare. It has me worried about what we are going to do to get by. The loss of the computer is like a loss of a lifeline to me. I'm not sure what I'll do to make time go by without it. And who will I talk to? I have no friends offline.

I'm looking for a job. I've applied everywhere I can think of. The problem is I have no experience outside of driving so no one will hire me. All I can ask is that people please pray for my family. Hopefully soon I'll find a job and then maybe I can get another computer.

Till then, God Bless everyone!

It's been awhile

It's been awhile because I can't get any alone time to post. It's always I've got something to do or my stepdaughter is watching me. There is no privacy in the house. I'm just getting over a cold too. I was sick for two weeks and didn't have the money to go to the doctor.

I'm on 200mgs of Trazodone now so sleeping is no longer a problem. I still have flashes of depression but the Wellbutron is working so it's not so bad. Other than that my Bipolar is mostly under control.

I don't take into count the constant worring and pasing. The doctor doesn't think that has anything to do with the bipolar. Now if I can find a job.

Happiness

Have you ever looked at your friends pictures and noticed how happy they look? It's like their happiness radiates from inside. Have you ever wished it was you?

Recently I've got in touch with childhood friends, dear heartfelt friends. I look at the women they've become and their happiness and wonder where I went wrong. We grew up together, why didn't I end up happy. Don't get me wrong I love my husband but I don't think I know how to be happy. I've been Manic and Depressed for far to long.

Many people think I'm faking the Bipolar but I wish they could step inside me for one day and feel what my mind is putting me through. It's not like I enjoy this. I don't enjoy the medication or the side effects. I don't enjoy being pissed one second and crying the next. I just want it to all stop. I want to be normal for once in my life. I want to see a picture and see happiness radiating from inside me.

Buzzing

I'm so agitated it's hard to type and my body is buzzing. It's like every nerve wants to move but I'm to tired to think.

Today was a crappy day. I went to pick up my husband's paycheck to pay bills. Instead they are waiting till tomorrow to give them out. GREAT! I drove an hour to get there, plus checks had already been written. My husband had to Western Union me money to pay the car payment that was past due. It was either that or lose the car.

To agitated, I can't write anymore.

The fear is overwhelling

My mother asks why am I afraid, I don't know. She thinks everyone has the same fears, but these fears are not normal or reasonable. I can't explain why I have them or why they won't go away. I no longer can confront people, I afraid of talking to strangers, I afraid of my car, of forgetting, of being alone, of not paying bills. I can't handle this. I can't sleep.

I just want it all to stop and I won't my mother to go home! She's making it worse by messing up my schedule. If I can't follow my schedule I can't function. I tell her I have things to do and it doesn't seems to matter. She KNOWS I can't fit things into Monday, it's to full of things already. Last Monday she screwed it all up, the week before the same thing and now she tells me I'm to drive 2 hours to take her to the doctor next MONDAY! AAAAauuuugggghhhhh...... I'm already afraid of driving and now I've got to take my delapitated car to Atlanta! Oh lets not forget the quilt trip that followed. Well I'm not buying it. She knew. She can call the doctor and change it.

I'm tired, overwhelmed, depressed, afraid, and annoyed at the world. I can't take much more. Not to mention my husband's many many problems that he's loading onto me too. I've got to stop and I can't. I feel suicidal and I beleave I need to hospitalized but I can't mention that to anyone right now. I no longer know what to do. I can't control my own life anymore. I feel like cutting so bad!

Alot going on today

I've come to realize what a destresser it is to post my blog. I know no one is reading it and I'm ok with that. I realize that alot of times it sounds like I faking, complaining or whining to much. I'm going to do that again today. But before I do one bright spot to my day!

My stepdaughter Brandy came home from her biomom's yesterday. My husband had to drive 6 hours one way to get her. Her BM (biomom) said that she couldn't meet him because her car was broke but had no problem driving her across the state of North Carolina to her grandfather's, to make it harder to pick her up. Anyway she's home and I'm glad.

She's not happy about my mom staying here or her sleeping in my room, she's not happy that my mom constantly bother's us to do stupid things for her and she wants her to go home. I love my mom but I want her to go home too.

Today I've got to drive my mom to a doctor 2 hours from here. It's a doctor that my sister set up for her. My sister doesn't use her brain half the time! Mom doesn't want to ride at all with her hurt foot so I'm sure she won't be happy. Gotta go, husband's awake

Tired

On July the 3rd my mom fell down a flight of stairs. She bruised her shoulder and face and broke her foot. Her house sits above her garage (14 steps) so she's came to stay with me. Mind you mom lives 108 miles from here.

Yesterday I went to pack up her perishables and two sheets of item that she "had to" have. Then I was going to pick her up from the hospital and come home. Well I got her stuff in the car and headed for the hospital, mind you, her cold food was in a cooler in the car. They left us sitting waiting on the physical therapist until 4 pm then told us we would have to wait till tomorrow. My mother threw a fit. She chewed out everyone at the hospital. I left her there and went back to her house and put the cold food away. I spent the night there on the sofa.

So mean while, mom's medication was suppose to arrive by mail today at mom's house, and she wanted me to wait around for it. Fine! 11am... 1pm.. 3pm.. 4:30pm it shows up. Another day wasted on waiting. So then I go get mom to head home. Remember 2 hour drive and by now it's rush hour... Happy, happy, joy, joy, I didn't get to take my medication last night and I've got a splitting headache because of it.

Then Mom decides we are going out of our way to go by my sister's house, the same sister that didn't show up at the hospital, so mom can PEE! Another hour waisted. Then Mom wants to stop and eat at a nice restaurant, I remind her that my hair is nasty, (I didn't have a hair brush with me the night before) her foot is broke, and I'm wearing the clothes from the day before. So in I go and order the food for us to eat in the car.

We finally get home at 7:45pm. Then I've got to clean up her dogs pee from all over the house, pick up the trash that my stepdaughter's cat got in, Unload 500lbs of crap from the car, get mom in the house and settled, then at 9:42 I FINALLY got to sit down to write this. I'm beat and I may throw my stepdaughter's animals out the window if she's not home from her mother's house by Friday!